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Until Kathleen Parker’s column in the May 4 edition of The Daily Sentinel, the only time the media ever took up the issue of the plight of non-custodial fathers was to report on celebrities who leave irate phone messages for their kids or the latest deadbeat-dad report.
As one who has repeatedly attempted to get the press to drop the sensationalism and print the real story on the plight of fathers, I know first-hand that it seems to take no less than someone with an existing byline (and at least a passing sense of irony) to finally get the real story out.
Parker clearly recognizes the damage the media’s “Homer Simpson” image of fathers has done to the parent-child relationship. Perhaps without realizing it, in one fell swoop, she takes some of the wind out of the deadbeat dad myth by simply mentioning that Fox TV (which has one of the worst credibility problems of any network) has lent its support to purveyors of the myth.
Still, Parker falls a bit short of actually driving the point home. She gets close when she says that “the biggest barrier to child support is unemployment, yet this message seldom seems to penetrate the zeitgeist,” and by referring to a system that only perpetuates the child support problem by putting parents who cannot afford to pay support in jail, causing them to lose their jobs with the subsequent, predictable results.
In fact, thanks to the media stereotypes, we not only have a legal system that punishes fathers who cannot pay child support, but also punishes fathers who, regardless of the odds, try to hang in there.
As a father who has been financially ruined for making the mistake of asking the courts for, nothing more, than to spend more time with my children, I am intimately familiar with such system. This, no doubt, is what Parker is referring to when she says that we have clearly created a system in which “we feel no decency toward men and the children who love them.”
HAROLD SHEPHERD
Moab
11 Responses to “The plight of real fathers is left untold”
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 10:53 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
The biggest problem FATHERS have is the court system itself.
Too many judges ‘feel’ that the mommy is always the best parent.
Seldom does a ‘judge’ resort to actual law, but decide based on their own personal feelings.
Judges never take into consideration that some of those precious mommies care less about the welfare of their children than punishing the Father.
It doesn’t matter that the ‘mommy’ has a continuous string of boyfriends in and out of the house and the Father has a stable lifestyle and a good quality home for HIS children.
Drugs and alcohol at mommies house? No problem, just say, “oh, that never happens around the children.” and nearly every judge rolls over and allows the destruction of the childhood.
If a court ‘orders’ visitation, and the visitation never happens, seldom does a judge make corrections to help the FATHER, but 10 minutes late on a ‘child support’(mommies drug habit support) and the FATHER goes through hell thanks to a judge that could care less, either about the rights of the FATHER, or the children involved.
In reality, it’s a two way street, in the court system, it’s all one way.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 11:07 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
Willis,
Thanks for saying the above. I believe you are right on the mark here. We have a disfunctional system that has long granted an unfair bias to mothers. Not that I have a bias against mothers. It’s just that they are not always the best parent. I am speaking from experience here.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 11:14 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
I’ve seen quite a few good young men destroyed by women who feel that the lowlife scumbag they married should just let them sleep with whoever they want, pay their bills, and stay married to them.
In addition to rearing children born during the marriage, not of their creation.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
Willis, you are right! I am a single mommy to two kids and the “mommy’s” that you speak of give all of us a bad wrap, just like “dead beat dad’s” give all daddy’s a bad wrap. I dont believe that judges look at the whole picture. My kids’ dad sometimes doesnt get the “support” to me when he should, but he ALWAYS pays it. Some women try to hold their kid for “ransom” (as I like to call it) and the only ones hurt by that game are the kids! It isnt fair to the dad or the kids in these situations. There are alot of men out there that would give their children a much more stable and loving home but until the judges see this, I am sorry to say that the children of these women will remain victims!
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 11:25 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
Add to that a “social service” system that has a tendency to display a “pit bull” mentality and it can get pretty ugly. I am not a big fan of the way that system operates.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 11:35 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
dc, sounds like you have been thru the wringer and I’m sorry. Not only are you suffering, but also your kid(s). I only hope that the woman that are like this get to experience “karma” on a front line basis. Social Services should NOT come into play where they are not needed. There are plenty of things to keep them busy but that might entail someone getting out from behind the desk to check on a report of child abuse!
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 11:56 am Login to Send PM Report this comment
Thanks jen,
My personal experience with the system was many years ago and so whatever scars I had are long healed. Alas, it is, indeed, the kids who take the real beating ( figuratively and sometimes literally ). I think much of the problem is a tendency to develop very narrow policies and procedures by the organizations and also that some workers carry their own baggage into the system.
Please understand that I think the “Social Service” system does some good things. Perhaps the problem is that a bureaucratic system is applied where a more open and family based philosophy might be better. Some Social Service workers are ambitious and take their accomplishments more into account than the actual welfare of the child. Note that I said “some”, not all.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm Login to Send PM Report this comment
dc, agreed.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 1:16 pm Login to Send PM Report this comment
I agree with everyone who commented; their are deadbeat moms as well as dads, and sleazy behavior, in epidemic proportions, on both sides of the issue.
But I’m too much of a smart-aleck not to point out that Homer Simpson is no ‘deadbeat’ Dad. Sure, he’s a lazy, self-indulgent shlub, but he loves his children, he’s still married to their mother, and he’s had the same job (minus a few side adventures) for almost 20 years.
He’s also a cartoon.
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm Login to Send PM Report this comment
How abut an idea to help cure this problem in the future?
Whoever wants out of the marriage, walks away clean.
Leaves the house, the kids, all the possessions gathered during the marriage and goes off to live their own life? And pays a reasonable child support to the person that stayed.
That way, there is a penalty for poor behavior and/or bad choices.
It would even have the effect of getting a lot of garbage off the dockets so the courts could perform much more efficiently.
Homer Simpson is a cartoon? Well! that explains a lot about Jessica’s behavior…
Posted May 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm Login to Send PM Report this comment
I thought, for a second, you were talking about Jessica Rabbit. “I’m just drawn that way…”
Maybe it’s a generational thing.
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